Nobody likes fat girl

I decided to change the layout again. I'm prone to changing things. If I don't like it or I suddenly get bored of it, I'll change it. But one thing for certain, I never did anything to change myself or do a makeover. I've been like this since forever.

Everybody else does significant changes or makeovers onto themselves but me? Nuh-thing. My mind always telling me that I need to lose weight, be girly or get a boyfriend but I never did. Losing weight is tough especially when you're surrounded by food especially all of that sugary goodness (since I'm in Bakery & Pastry arts). You just couldn't resist the temptations. I keep telling myself that I need to get my ass off the couch and start exercising but it seems that my ass is glued to the couch and so does my eyes to the laptop.

So much of excuses huh?

Being girly girl is not in my dictionary. I suddenly stopped being a girly girl when I was 11. I was humiliated in front of my crush and his friends by his sister. I could never forget that incident. Of course now when I tend to look back and start reminiscing, it makes me laugh but I can still feel bits of that heartache. I started to dress up as a tomboy just to make myself invisible. I dressed up as a tomboy just to cover the pain of humiliation. I never told anyone about this until recently. I really liked this guy and because of that incident it changed everything. I started to hate myself more and since I was gaining weight at that time, it made it worse.

Nobody likes fat girl that was what I think. Even my mom made comments like,

"You should lose weight. Nothing can fit you."
"Why were you wearing boys' clothes?"

Not just my mom and the rest of the family too, did the same thing.

At some point, I wished I was born as a boy instead as a girl. I hated myself for being girl and to have these feelings towards boys because I know they wouldn't like me anyway. So, why bother dressing up nicely and girly?

I never ever wanted to become a tomboy. All I wanted is to be liked and people to accept for what I am. I constantly think about what others may think of me. It was bothering me till at some point I wish to be dead instead. Yes, I ever thought of suicide but I could never bring myself to slit my wrist open and let it bleed till I die.

Now, at 21, although some parts of it is still as bothersome as always but I can get by from day to day. I care less about what others think of me and I started being me instead. It was tiring being someone else.

Getting a boyfriend? Hmm.....Not for now. (Though I do want one. Hehe~)

Put all of these into writing is somehow eases my pain and sort of like a revelation for me. It is such a sensitive issue but I got through. :)