Burned Out

I need a break. 

A break from toxic people, hectic work life and this scorching heat.

I am feeling so tired both from work and dealing with people directly. 

In this labor-intensive line of work, you need to be physically and mentally ready. I've been working more than I should be, because I constantly thinking that I needed some break. Go on a vacation somewhere like Japan, perhaps? I feel like I am constantly being judge on my quality of work and how I handle things when it shouldn't be like this.

I hate putting label or stating a standard for anybody because I know everyone is different. I believe that everyone has their own set of timing on how to get the job done and how they're going to tackle each task. 

One thing I really hate more than ever while working is when someone starts to compare how well you work and how well others do. 

WHYYYYYY????

Why do you want to compare? As I said earlier, everyone is different. Not everyone is quick handed to do multiple of tasks at one time. Multitasking is can kill your quality of work.

I am not an engineered cyborg or a witch that can zap that, zap this just to get the job done.

At the end of the day, all I wanted is some recognition on things that should be recognize, not how well I mop the floor.

Ugh...

Will this feeling go away? Oh God, so help me~

Another unknown path

This thought on 'where will I be in the next ...... years' keeps bugging me these days. Maybe because I'm nearing to end my college life and into working life. Honestly, I'm scared, unsure and unready to set on my feet unto working path. I'm afraid to walk into unknown paths of my life. Not knowing how things will turn out freaks me out sometimes. I'm afraid of not doing my best and making mistakes. Almost in every motivational books will tell you that you shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes and look silly but somehow I do care how silly will I look and can't stop being cautious to not make any single mistakes. 

The side of me that hardly anyone notice or know (or maybe they do know) is I'm quite a timid person. I can be so insecure and apprehensive sometimes. I always think I'm lack of something or I'm not quite good enough. I've been battling with these internal demons for years and they always win.....because I let them to. They're always the reason why I stop trying and just continue being an ignorant bitch. 

Scared to try anything...

Not wanting to leave this comfy comfort zone..

Not wanting to change...

It's not that I detest of try anything or to change. The mental picture I've embedded in my minds are always negative ones. 

I see myself not well adjusting to changes and the things I try suddenly turns ugly. This kind of unhealthy mental pictures affect my decision-making skill and staying true to myself. 

Where will I be in the next 3  - 5 years?  

Will I still be working in hotel pursuing this field?  

Or will I quit and venture into business?  

Will I be happy and satisfied on the progressions I make?  

Will I be proud of myself? 

Will I have a better life? 

Or stuck in this hell hole forever and not changed a bit? 

I shouldn't be worried about the future and feel restricted on enjoying the process. Just let things fall into their designated places that God created. Be grateful on each single thing happen and always practice humility. 

Abandon

I barely make any post in 2012.
I said I should make more but I didn't.
Abandonment of this space makes me ponder upon my life in 2012.
I should write it on this but instead I chose not to.
Laziness? Caught up with work?
Then, why set up this blog in first anyway?

Anyhow, I'll try my best to keep this space alive.

Emotional Whirlpool = Shitload of F.E.A.R.S

Emotional Whirlpool.

That's what I'm experiencing lately. Too many mixed feelings. Anger, dissatisfied, dislike, happy, excited, afraid and the list goes on. At times like these, I can't hold back on my tears. It just flows anytime it wants to. I don't want to be seen as weak or a crybaby. This is me being self-conscious. I always do. My mouth will say "I don't care what people say" but my mind will say the otherwise. I bet I'm not lonely in this and I know somewhere out there, there are people like me. 

I am a person who is always calculative. Calculative here means I'm always hard on myself. Over-analyzing on everything I've done and will do. What drives me to become like this, is 'fear'. The big ball of fear is far more challenging than the obstacles itself. Almost every inspirational and motivational books will say, going through obstacles is easier than getting over the fears.

Without fears, we can be anything we want. 

Fear can either lead to Doubt or the other way around. 

• Relationship

Fear of getting into relationships will make you doubt on many aspect of relationship. I crave for a relationship with the other gender but my doubts get the best of me. There are so many what ifs. What if I can't be committed? What if he's being possessive? What if he cheated on me? What if he don't like me? What if I'm being the possessive one? Because I used to listen to all love dramas of others, these always makes me wonder what kind of relationship will I have in future. I've seen loads of lovebirds going through harsh breakups and hardships in staying together. Some has survived it, some are just unlucky.

• Hated and Left out by others

Fear of getting hated by others and fear of being left out constantly puts me into a tight spot. When your friends have a bit of disagreements or misunderstanding, this usually leads to gossiping with loads of assuming and bitching. I'm usually stuck in middle because I believe in no one is fully right or fully wrong. You can't just blaming one party without listening to the other side of the story. This needs loads of patience, tolerance and understanding. I'm still learning to understand others on how they behave and act. In order not to be one who is being accused and talked about, I join in the bitching sessions. I also don't want to be the one missing out. Thus, bitching starts. Eventually, I feel regretful on bitching and realize that bitching about it all time won't solve the problem.

Those two are my biggest fear. I never talk out about it to anyone. I hope I'll reign over these fears one day. Taking little baby steps, one by one.

People...

People people people.

I met lots of people through my course of life. Some are interesting, some are weird and some are just plain rude. These people somehow became my friends. Good and healthy relationships between friends is important. Why? A healthy relationship helps you to see the other side of you & learning new things. Toxic relationships is where it sucks the life of you mentally & emotionally. 

On this post, I'm finally going to talk about the toxic relationships I have with these toxic people. 

These toxic people are good people but their conversations are mainly gossips and nothing positive. The first thing they want to talk you when they see you is about other people's business. They hardly say anything positive. Hardly. Sometimes I think they live by feeding off on gossips. I can tolerate gossips but I cannot tolerate a prolong type of gossips where I hear it almost everyday. That's depressing. Why you have to do that? 

I'm also a human and of course I could not escape that deadly curse. I do gossips but I don't do it all time and that's not the first thing I like to talk in morning with you. When someone starts it, my mood goes from happy to depress. I cannot tolerate depressing topics. I like to talk about random things & anything uplifting or motivating. Whenever these people starts to gossips, I just listen and be quiet or act just like them. But I don't wanna be them and I can't ignore them. I blame myself for being so gossipy nowadays because I now I can avoid all of that. 

These people tend to forget about how others would feel and what state they're in. This girl has been bashed like crazy because of something and when I heard what really happened, I felt guilty & sympathized. Why I felt guilty? I got carried away by these toxic people. Why I sympathized? She went through a hard time and has no one she can lean on. 

These toxic people can really influence you until you become one of them. I tried to refrain myself from gossiping, ranting & complaining but since I hung out with them I automatically do everything. I'm scared for myself and what I've become. Gossiping, ranting & complaining aren't fun. It's energy draining. I constantly remind myself I should not spend time on gossiping, ranting & complaining and whatever unnecessary thing come across my mind, I should keep it to myself. 

A wise bird told me "something better left unsaid". It is true. You can't just talk about everything and left nothing for the mystery.   

Dear next-door-neighbor,

If this world doesn't have any rules & laws and no God, I would have kill you with my own hands. Mark my words mister~!!!

Who do you think you are mister? God? 

You've threatened my mum with your cruel words & won't accept my mum's apology.

Ignorant bastard~!

You think own this place & we're the one who is visiting.

You're the one who's visiting not us.

Since you came here, you've been peeping on girls like nobody business. 

You simply cross the boundaries between personal space & your place.

I hate to put on label on you mister but I just couldn't.

Your behavior deserved to be put in the mad house. 

I felt pity for your parents.

Why?

Because they have a son like you.

You have humiliated them & my family.

As well yourself.

Nobody likes you just you're just too weird.

Why don't you act normally & sensibly?

Why do you have to repel from goodness & choose to behave obnoxiously?

You know what I wanted for you?

I want you to have a good life & stop poking into other people's life.

Get married, have kids & be good dad.

Even though, at the beginning I want nothing but worst for you but in the end I pray for you a good life.

That's what sensible & considerate people would do.

Not threatening other people for their own misbehaves.

If we're truly wrong, then we're sorry. 

I wanted to write letter to you but I don't think you'll accept it well.

So, till then I just pray to God that one day things between us will change.

Ddo daechae wae?

There are couple of times where shits got me & I feel like quitting on life. I became disheartened & weak. I became mentally & physically tired. I wanted to break free from this. I wonder why those things keep happening to me. 

Why? 

Did I do so awfully wrong till I deserve this? 

Whenever I'm in a good mood, there's something always ruins my mood. Thus, this take-it-out-on-people happens. I lashed it out on people like my mum & my dad. I know I shouldn't but it just happened automatically. I forgot how to be considerate & caring. I feel like I'm the one who's wrong all the time no matter what the situation is. I couldn't put blame on other people because I know it mirrors back to me. I wanted to talk to somebody about this but I don't want to ruin their day with my ranting. It's not good to spread negativity to other. It should end with you & you only. 

Dying faith

I've been struggling to keep my faith alive. I barely did anything to feed my spirituality need. I practically abandoned it. Living with guilt and temptations makes the living itself harder. I hardly talk about my faith & God these days. I feel like I miss out on Him a lot. I miss having this quiet moment with Him, just tentatively listen to what He has to say to me. Sounds crazy to the non-believer but that's how I normally feel. When I pray in quiet it actually provides tranquility that let my mind to relax and be free. Whenever I finish praying, I tend to look on brighter sides of things instead on focus on the negativity. I said to myself I wanted to pray the rosary but I often forget. *sigh

Oh Lord, help this poor soul to find her way back to you & guide her to be a good Christian. 

Hey there September~!

How fast time flies~ For the past 2 months, there were any updates whatsoever. I could make up 100 excuses why I didn't write any entry but I rather not to. 

I shall work my hardest for this final semester. I know I keep on saying the same thing and ended up frustrated at the end. I'm quite disappointed with my performance and how I act last semester. That totally affected on my grades. Yes, I care so much on my grades. Why? Because this is my redemption. I've totaled my STPM so I have to make a good comeback. 

Avoiding distractions is my biggest hurdle to get through. I feel like building walls everywhere so I wouldn't get distracted. *sigh