Nobody likes fat girl

I decided to change the layout again. I'm prone to changing things. If I don't like it or I suddenly get bored of it, I'll change it. But one thing for certain, I never did anything to change myself or do a makeover. I've been like this since forever.

Everybody else does significant changes or makeovers onto themselves but me? Nuh-thing. My mind always telling me that I need to lose weight, be girly or get a boyfriend but I never did. Losing weight is tough especially when you're surrounded by food especially all of that sugary goodness (since I'm in Bakery & Pastry arts). You just couldn't resist the temptations. I keep telling myself that I need to get my ass off the couch and start exercising but it seems that my ass is glued to the couch and so does my eyes to the laptop.

So much of excuses huh?

Being girly girl is not in my dictionary. I suddenly stopped being a girly girl when I was 11. I was humiliated in front of my crush and his friends by his sister. I could never forget that incident. Of course now when I tend to look back and start reminiscing, it makes me laugh but I can still feel bits of that heartache. I started to dress up as a tomboy just to make myself invisible. I dressed up as a tomboy just to cover the pain of humiliation. I never told anyone about this until recently. I really liked this guy and because of that incident it changed everything. I started to hate myself more and since I was gaining weight at that time, it made it worse.

Nobody likes fat girl that was what I think. Even my mom made comments like,

"You should lose weight. Nothing can fit you."
"Why were you wearing boys' clothes?"

Not just my mom and the rest of the family too, did the same thing.

At some point, I wished I was born as a boy instead as a girl. I hated myself for being girl and to have these feelings towards boys because I know they wouldn't like me anyway. So, why bother dressing up nicely and girly?

I never ever wanted to become a tomboy. All I wanted is to be liked and people to accept for what I am. I constantly think about what others may think of me. It was bothering me till at some point I wish to be dead instead. Yes, I ever thought of suicide but I could never bring myself to slit my wrist open and let it bleed till I die.

Now, at 21, although some parts of it is still as bothersome as always but I can get by from day to day. I care less about what others think of me and I started being me instead. It was tiring being someone else.

Getting a boyfriend? Hmm.....Not for now. (Though I do want one. Hehe~)

Put all of these into writing is somehow eases my pain and sort of like a revelation for me. It is such a sensitive issue but I got through. :)

Have a THRILLING life

I never thought attending this Jumpstart seminar will start the spark in me to move and make things happen. I was very neutral at first during the first night but then somehow it just became such an eye-opener for me to realize that I have natural abilities to make things work according what I want and what I've planned. Of course God do plays an important role in this but it won't stop me from working towards my goals.

I've got to admit that I was indeed feeling a little lost perhaps due to lack of sleep but as the session went on I felt energized and alive. It is happy mixture of feelings. I'm totally psyched about what I'm going to do later on and how am I going to achieve my goals. Before this I couldn't see clearly what my goals are as well as my mission and vision during this past few years. Magically through this I can see now. Hallelujah~

There are so many things and ideas going through my head right now, at this very moment. I realized I have a mission and vision to achieve as well as to accomplish my goals. I feel like I have a purpose. An ongoing process of having a THRILLING life. Life should be THRILLING, EXCITING and CHALLENGING. Why did I say CHALLENGING? Simply because challenges are good. Challenges are the one that keeps you constantly moving.

Do you want a STATIC life, motionless or STAGNANT? 

STAGNANT or STATIC life for me is not simply living your dreams or living to the fullest. You dreamt of big dreams but you barely even do anything about it. By ignoring it, you're actually ignoring a possible improvement for yourself and a potential success. If you just plan and plan but do not execute or make it into action, then the plan will go to waste. 

What you need to do is, PLAN and EXECUTE. 

Why wait when you can actually do it right now? Other pieces will eventually come together as the plan unfolds itself. 

Have faith in yourself because only you have the ability to achieve your goals. God will always be there to support you and provide you with people that will cheer you on until you finish the race.




p/s : A special thank you to Derek Chong. You inspired me to do things. Not forgetting the rest, thank you for such an awesome night. Brenda, sedap oh the tiramisu. Hihi~

I need SECURITY

I finally changed the whole layout for my blog. I made it simple. Not too crowded or too colorful. I used the picture below as my background. It was capture while I was waiting for my dad in his car. I kinda like the word 'SECURITY'. All of us have ever dealt with different types of insecurities or you need something to be guarded and so on. So, the significance of this picture is I need SECURITY. It can be anything. For example, 

I need SECURITY in your trust and love for me. 

I need SECURITY so I will not get hurt. 

I need SECURITY in what I am doing. 
I need SECURITY from all the evils. 

I need SECURITY in myself. 

I need SECURITY for everything. 

all i wanna do is whine, so hear me out...

I'm easily bored these days. After finishing STPM, my life has turned into a complete boredom. Sometimes, I do get frustrated by being bored but most of the times, it doesn't bother me that much. Yet, I find myself as a complete useless person. The question is WHY? My routine everyday : sleep when everybody at work/school and wake when they come back from work/school, watch tv, playing with my cats, listening to music & do some photo editing. That's it. Nothing more or interesting. If I drive, I will spend most my time outside but thanks to my dad, I'm stuck here. He still not willing to let me drive. He had some issues with my driving skills which he doubts it pretty much. He thinks I just gonna run over anything on the road. *sigh

He just let me drive once. ONCE. Which to me doesn't count at all as driving. He freaked out & yelled at me to drive straight. I was driving it straight and I wasn't over borders or lines. After that, he will say this everytime I ask him to lend me the car, "take the bus and don't be such a spoiled brat". DUDE, I AIN'T GONNA TAKE THE BUS. NEVER!!! Public transportations are the worst to get by from place to place. Why? They sucks. The fare is unreasonable high especially for taxis. I guess right now it will cost me around RM20-RM22 from Centre Point to my house. It's expensive like hell. For the bus, I have to switch at least 3 buses before arriving to the downtown area. CRAZY. Plus, I feel unsafe to take the bus. So many so-called-potential-criminals riding the bus with me. I know it sounds like I'm kinda prejudice but I can't help it. They give me this kind of look that really creeps me out. I took the bus once all myself and everytime I sensed danger. Yeah, now I sounded like a complete psychotic. I fear the bus and all the public transportation. I will take it if I have friends with me but if I'm alone, na'ah. 

I need to get away from this place, to somewhere, where no one can find me, to bother me with useless craps and anything annoying coz I'm easily annoyed. So, don't ever find me. Find me when you wanna talk something sensible or important. I really find it bothersome when people find me just to talk about stuff that doesn't concern me or something that they can simply solve it by themselves. I know they really need the guide but when they bother me at the wrong time, I vexed. Sorry to say it but please do annoy me at the right time so I shall not hold anything against you. I'm not the kind who will bother people with my problems and all my whining and let them hear it until their ear bleeds or something. I'm not pleased if you will do the same to me. I know I got this words-of-wisdom-kinda-vibe but that doesn't mean you can abuse me at anytime you want. Sometimes, I do run out of ideas to help. So, I need to "revive" before I can feed you with the words of wisdom. It's not that I don't wanna help but the timing is just wrong. Even so, I will still help as best as I can despite the wrong timing. I just want you guys to understand that I need some alone time, when I don't really wanna be bother by anything. Tell me later. I'll listen and help.

Another one more thing that bothers me. Why people become so easily discouraged these days? Where your faith? Hopes for the future? I know you probably say "I can't help it..." Okay, since you can't help being discouraged, I, can't help being annoyed by you. I tried my best to help and make you feel better but all you can give me is negative feedback. Dude, once you exude the negativity, I feed up on your negativity and be miserable for a change. It's infectious. I'm like a sponge. I absorb anything. I feel tired sometimes after that. People just don't realize this. The best way is to focus on the positivity. I know no one can be absolutely 100% positive with their smile on the face all the time but if you always be so negative about everything, people may find it repulsive. The key to happiness is not to seek it but to embrace whatsoever shits that happened to you and except the fact that it is a part or phase of life that you have to go through. You may find it tough to accept but in times, you will. Be strong. Live everyday like it's your last day. Don't waste anything. Those bitches will never leave you coz in fact, they are everywhere just with different faces. Life will be so colorless, dull and plain boring if there is no drama, obstacles to go through and challenges. Life will never progress. Human never progress. We will never evolve and learn things about life. So, what's the use of having brain then? It will be pointless. God likes to challenge us coz he want us to evolve to a better person and he doesn't want us to a robot instead. That's why he gave us brains to think, lungs to breathe, hands to work with, legs to walk for miles, eyes to see how beautiful the world he had created, ears to listen to soothing sounds that put you to sleep. Everything has it own purpose, works in it's own way that many of us find it questionable sometimes. But no matter how hard life gets, remember that whatever he created are all for you. You are his top priority. 

Be happy and fuck life. 

Hahaha~ I don't have any idea what I've just written. I don't know if it's bring any sensible value to it either. LoL