c'mon and psychoanalyze me

Sleeping on irregular hours during the days has become a habit of mine. For example, today I'll be sleeping at maybe 7-ish in the morning and probably waking up at 4pm. Then, the next day I'll sleep at 10-ish. It's crazy and unhealthy. Nowadays, it is hard for me to fall asleep like the high schoolers. I don't understand why I can't fall asleep normal like others. Do I have sleeping disorder? *sigh


Right now, everybody in the house is fast asleep. The house is quiet. Only the sound of the fan spinning and the clicking sound of the keyboard can be heard. Even though, I'm freaking tired at this moment I can't drag myself down to that comfy bed and close my eyes. That's why I'm writing this post to kill the time. When I'm tired, I'm more inclined to write crap. Maybe, I'll start whining like in my last two post. For me, a lot of idea comes when I'm in this state. I start to see things in another perspective. Maybe I'm crazy? Somebody tell me, please. Perhaps I need a shrink to start psychoanalyze me. Haha~ 


The STPM result will be out within a month. Should I start worrying? Frankly, I am REALLY, REALLY scared, worried, nervous and annoyed. I don't know whether I pass or not. I don't know whether any universities is willing to take me. I'm scared of the future but I dare myself to take a step further into the world of possibilities. Is it even possible that I pass?  I just don't want to disappoint my parents especially my mom. I hate when she starts to worry about me. Enough that all the worries that my brother had put her through. I don't wanna be an addition to her sleepless nights and the cause for her face to aged quickly. When she starts to worry, she won't stop. The worrisome look on the her face haunts me rather than my dad slit-cutting-wrist words. I just want both of them to be happy and stop worrying about me, us : my brother and sister. 


I'm always the one who motivates, advise and listen. I might be problem-free most of the time but there are times like these when I feel somewhat depressed and uncertain. As if my energy has been sucked out from my body. I hid it well. Not many people do know that I feel depressed or probably no one knows. I just don't show my weaknesses in front of them because they had showed theirs. I don't want to an addition to that. I don't really go to people and tell my depressing stories. Not even to my friends. They may know the not-so-serious-matters but they really don't know what really bugging me. I find that writing like this vivify me. Sometimes, I don't think that it is necessary to talk to people about everything. Pictures can tell a story. Expressing oneself vainly by camwhoring or video tapping and later post it up on youtube is another way to let things out. Take a solitude stroll at the park also works or sleep, hoping that the time will pass as quickly as it can. 

Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. - Sholom Aleichem