Should I be nervous? Worried?
STPM result is out tomorrow. I don't know what should I be feeling at this moment. Well, I'm not sure if I'm going to flunk it or not but somehow my guts telling me that the result is gonna be A-OKAY. I hope so. I just want the result to qualify me a "place" at any universities. That's it. Kalau dapat, syukurlah. I won't ask for more. I want my parents to be happy and proud of me coz I know that they weren't proud of me, all these years. I'd always be the one who will disappoint them. Being the last child in a family doesn't mean that they spoiled and showered me with all the good things. It's rather a burden. Why? First of all, I had 2 A-students in my family. My sister and my brother. My sister had always been a great student from kindergarten up until high school. Even during her studies in UITM, she did a great job. Graduated and now, a certified English teacher. As for my brother, he wasn't that genius during primary but he excelled amazingly during high school. He had a better SPM result than me and my sister. dang~ Graduated last year from UMS in Physics Electronics and now working. It isn't a secure job for now but I'm sure it will later. They kinda set up this sort of expectations(?) and people not only my parents expect that I'll do the same as them. The truth is, I AM NOT LIKE THEM. I'm just different. It's not I'm stupid or whatever it is. I'm NOT like them. So, stop comparing me. If they're not comparing me with them, they'll start to compare me with my friend, Laura. *sigh
Why should I do whatever that they are doing right now? I don't wanna be just another "stereotype". I wanna be ME. ME. Got that? ME~! Everyone has their own destiny and so do I. Even though, it's still unclear but I know I'll do awesome job just like them. Perhaps, God wants me to see and try other things too. If He wants me to be like my sister or my brother, I would probably walk the same route as them right now. But why am I still here? Then, it's not my destiny to follow instead. I guess I have to create one. I have to start write my own story and not copy-paste from theirs'. There are things that my parents didn't see it like I did. Things that they just wasn't bother to see it. I'm not a total rebellion. But I do rebel sometimes. Mostly about how life should work like it supposed to. They thought I was crazy. I AM NOT. They will start talk in close-minded kinda way. Especially, my mom. I'm not bitching about her though. I just wish that she'll stop thinking nonsense and start thinking sensibly. I wish that she'll throw all that nonsenses in her head somewhere and act like sensible woman. I'm not saying that she's crazy coz she's not. It's just that those little things which she over analyzed it and began to feel a constant worry as well as frustration. Unhealthy~! I know well that "look" upon her face every time she has something in her mind that bothers her greatly. She can choose not to dwell in it though but she always choose to think about it. People say that mothers tend to worry about everything and start having those sleepless nights. I got an advice. STOP THINKING~! (for awhile... and let things flow).
Mom, will you?
what we play is LIFE. - Louis Armstrong
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