Emotional Whirlpool = Shitload of F.E.A.R.S

Emotional Whirlpool.

That's what I'm experiencing lately. Too many mixed feelings. Anger, dissatisfied, dislike, happy, excited, afraid and the list goes on. At times like these, I can't hold back on my tears. It just flows anytime it wants to. I don't want to be seen as weak or a crybaby. This is me being self-conscious. I always do. My mouth will say "I don't care what people say" but my mind will say the otherwise. I bet I'm not lonely in this and I know somewhere out there, there are people like me. 

I am a person who is always calculative. Calculative here means I'm always hard on myself. Over-analyzing on everything I've done and will do. What drives me to become like this, is 'fear'. The big ball of fear is far more challenging than the obstacles itself. Almost every inspirational and motivational books will say, going through obstacles is easier than getting over the fears.

Without fears, we can be anything we want. 

Fear can either lead to Doubt or the other way around. 

• Relationship

Fear of getting into relationships will make you doubt on many aspect of relationship. I crave for a relationship with the other gender but my doubts get the best of me. There are so many what ifs. What if I can't be committed? What if he's being possessive? What if he cheated on me? What if he don't like me? What if I'm being the possessive one? Because I used to listen to all love dramas of others, these always makes me wonder what kind of relationship will I have in future. I've seen loads of lovebirds going through harsh breakups and hardships in staying together. Some has survived it, some are just unlucky.

• Hated and Left out by others

Fear of getting hated by others and fear of being left out constantly puts me into a tight spot. When your friends have a bit of disagreements or misunderstanding, this usually leads to gossiping with loads of assuming and bitching. I'm usually stuck in middle because I believe in no one is fully right or fully wrong. You can't just blaming one party without listening to the other side of the story. This needs loads of patience, tolerance and understanding. I'm still learning to understand others on how they behave and act. In order not to be one who is being accused and talked about, I join in the bitching sessions. I also don't want to be the one missing out. Thus, bitching starts. Eventually, I feel regretful on bitching and realize that bitching about it all time won't solve the problem.

Those two are my biggest fear. I never talk out about it to anyone. I hope I'll reign over these fears one day. Taking little baby steps, one by one.